I Seek One Who Understands to Talk

My memories have been returning to me now for over 3 years and at times they are difficult to look at since they were painfully gained. Do you understand what I mean. I don't want to go into too much detail as I do not know who may read this other than yourself.

Eternity is confusing for a mind to see. I would just like to have someone with me, for once who knows what I know, who understands me and I don't want to go to India to find them... I already know I would not find what I would be looking for since I do not need anything but a friend.

Query 2: Firstly, let me assure you, I know who you are. I know how powerful you shall be, and I know how that is possible. I feel what is soon to be here and already know the ending, or at least the variations which have been played out so far in this time period. I have never been able to talk to anyone on my own level before, so this is going to be an experience. I really want to get to know you as a person and wish you to know me.

Before I was born I was fully aware of the life I was about to live and new I had a very special destiny. I was shown everything that has already happened to me and everything that is to be still. I was not incarnate fully until this life was 8 years old. I was still able to cause change to this reality with thought and saw it as no more than a game. At 8 my memory was veiled and I put myself to sleep. Some small instructions remained after that date, which were meant to make sure I remembered the way until the right time, as well as a wisper of a memory that I had a special reason to be here.

I continued to speak to God/myself and as I grew up I was a devoted Catholic. I came from a normal working class background and my family never understood where I came from, since I was so very different from them. I chose to attend a Convent school, which was all girls. I made my way through the sacrements and was very close to God. At 16 I realised that Catholics did not see God the way I did. I dropped it and although I believed in God, I no longer had any thoughts of a Spiritual nature. I married at 18 and settled down to a normal life.

At 20, after a very intense dream experience, my awareness of the instructions began to resurface and forced me to remember that I had to leave my life and follow the path I had came to walk. I left my husband and my life and did as I was told. I was frightened but knew my heart was true. At 21, my higher self awoke and I began a re-education of myself. I was led through various experiences until I awoke for the first time in this lifetime at the age of 26.

Since this time I have regained many of my memories. I have regained the memories of my 'seperate' self and of the whole. I have been living this life for eternity and can remember every time, from the beginning. When these memories began coming back I went through a stage of being confused and afraid. I had the benifit of highly Spiritual kin who helped me through this stage. Since then my mind has strengthened and has learnt how to accept that I simply have memories from a time when it did not exist...

At times it is so hard to live in the 'Here' since I have lived this life so many times before, to different endings that it makes it slightly more difficult. I often wonder why I chose to play it this way at all! I can remember certain memories of the 'Whole' and they become more frequent every day. I can remember eternity....Try explaining this to normal people! I know who I am... in the real sense... I know I am talking to myself right now. I know we are ONE. I can remember the cycles of this place. My memories of waking here are too many to tell you of, but you probably already have them too, and they must be the same as mine...

I hope you do not write me off too. I am not making this up. I hope you of all people, know this. Our language and words are different, but the concepts and the knowing is the same. I know you are with me... This is still confusing for me at times though. I have a particular problem I am hoping you can give me some insights into. It is to do with the end of the self. Everytime my mind enters into that part where we 'come up' I begin to rock from the outside. I did this once before as a child, on the night I was put to sleep. I was told it was not time and he would come back for me later.

I have many memories of death. I no longer fear it. I know I usually rock when I leave the body, but my mind goes into complete panic at this point and cannot decide whether it should let go or not. I know I am not meant to die in this incarnation. I have done this many times and have to keep coming back to correct the error, but this is a life I have had some problems with. I suppose what I am asking is.... Do I leave the body during this part or stay within it

I believe I stay here, so I have fought this experience for some time. I do not want to get it wrong this time. I believe this is the last time I shall be here. All alternatives have been played out and I'm tired of it, even though this is one of my favourite lives. I have never asked for help before. I have never found anyONE I could ask even if I wished to. I am asking it of you. Help me understand what this process is trying to achive so that I can set myself at rest when the time comes for me to let go, since I know it is almost time for me to reach completion.

Query 3: OK, I have a feeling we are both talking about the same things you know...but using different words. When I 'awoke' (you call it realisation, I call it waking up... ) in 98, I was given the same choice, I could leave the body or we could stay and 'Help wake the rest of me up' as he put it....which basically meant did I wish to stay and teach. I chose as you did to stay and

help the rest of 'myself' to awaken. I have not done this in the same way that you have, but in the way which is most needed here. At first I decided to leave, but then the man I was with and my own inner voice reminded me that it was the reson I had been born, to help to rest of mankind 'Awaken'. I no longer talk of God.... I do not see any division, I say 'MYSELF.' I use this word (GOD) for the purpose of communication, but I know we are ONE. I have my true memories back again, even though I also have the memories of my Body-soul as you call it.... I call this my 'seperate part' or my 'child.'

I see no real distinction any more, but at the same time I enjoy the child within me. She is my entertainment here, she is also who I am, as much as the Larger aspect of my SELF. I have spent eternity realising that it is myself in order to be it in this incarnation, since I loved this life so much. As for how I live, well that is the problem. There are very few people here, who come close to understanding the things I am saying to you. They instantly become afraid and think I am mad, so I still wear a mask here. The people here are not like your country, they are harder to teach because they have so little fundemental understanding of Spiritual things. I have been sitting thinking recently, how am I suppose to teach them anything? I talk to everyone I meet and I have some involvement in the community with 'Interfaith' But other than this, I play a normal part here. I do not acknolwledge what I know or I would be sent to an insane asylum!

My time is yet to arive. I know what my future was planned to be. There is a man I am to marry. He could arrive here any day. When he returns to me, I shall begin living in a different way, the way I wish to live. I am not really worried about leaving the body....Its hard to explain this in words. We will maybe come back to this when I can figure out how to communicate it to you better....

Query 4: I hope life is treating you well. Life has been full of change for me recently. I've left my job, since I've been getting to breaking point from having to do the same things over and over again, every day. I still feel so unsettled. My lifes game is still in its final throws right now and its making me so unsettled. Its hard just to 'Be' sometimes. There are so many different levels of reality within me its hard. On one level I know that this whole life is not real and who I am, but on other levels I still play the game and so am still subject to all the feelings and emotions that such games present.

At times I just have to cry and let it all out due to the stress of having to continuously pretned to be something I have long since moved on from. It feels as if no one understands a word I say and it definately tests my faith in this life... I am living among people who seem to come from a different planet. I'm not too sure what to do with myself here now, since I know that its pretty definate that anything I now create will be destroyed in 2-3 months. I suppose I shall create for the sake of 'being'

I have other friends in my own country who are on the same wave-length and this makes it easier, since I have people to talk to. Although they understand me generally, they still don't fully see what I am experiencing since I am still pretty different to all of them in certain ways. Their reality tends to begin and end in this life time, which means they can only listen. They are good at this now. I am a little sad today...can you sence that? At times it alll seems pointless. How do you spend your time? Do you have an Ashram or something? Or do you still do a normal job. G.

Vijay Kumar:
It appears that the abuse you have had three years before is hounding you ... a difficult situation, to come out of the thoughts entirely. You desire a Spiritual remedy. If you're a Christian ... then you must be a real sensitive one.

You never had the opportunity of meeting Jesus Christ in person ... The advent of Bhagavan Kalki is expected in India anytime from now. In the present time, known as Kali Yuga ... the basic fabric of the society breaks down ... everyone is required to mend for his own. There is no other remedy. In such circumstances, people look forward to the coming of an Avatar (a saint of the highest order) and nothing less then Buddha or a Jesus Christ.

I have been grooming myself to Realize God ever since I was 13 years of age. God blessed me with a vision in 1993. Thereafter it was no looking back.

Vijay Kumar:
I keep busy. After God Realization ... I have but to serve the community and go back ... never to return again.

I can gather from your writings ... you are on a very high stage of Spiritual elevation.You may wish to know me but as a God realized soul ... the body form has no significance left for me.

God has a reason for giving you all what you have got. You must continue acting on the advise of your small inner voice. That is your actual truth. You can never get away from it. Always remember that I fully believe in you and shall continue to do the same.

Regarding "end of the self" what is there to be worried about! Your body was manifested by your soul. The body was taken by the soul to purify itself on the Cosmic journey. Once, the soul is purified ... the purpose of the body would be over and you shall leave the body on its own. In 1993, when I Realized God on the night of second of August ... I wanted to leave this body. The moment I was trying to do so ... I got a prompt from above. This happened because I could not have left the body before making arrangements for settlement of my two daughters and my wife.

God told me they were two paths I could take - the first path was the one taken by Mahavira (the Jain Tirthankar). The moment Mahavira Realized God he did not leave the body. Instead, he decided to give back to the community what he had learnt. For 30 years he preached Jaina doctrines and left his body at the age of 72.

Gautama Buddha Realized God at the age of 82. By this time his body was totally fragile. He was in no mood to continue further. He wanted to leave the body at the earliest.

I took the path of Mahavira ... I shall continue to preach what I have learnt. In the meanwhile, all my responsibilities would get settled. I would know the time when I am supposed to leave. After that it would be ... no looking back!

You shall automatically know when you're supposed to be leaving the body. Don't worry over this petty issue.You get tired because sometimes you are not in harmony with your innerself. Continue living a peaceful life ... contribute to the society the best you can.

God is always there with you. May God bless you.

Vijay Kumar:
You have tried your best to explain. You have been successful. Regarding marriage ... as per prevalent practice, god realized souls are not supposed to be marrying as the spouse may not have the matching frequency. Further, as there are free from attachments forever ... the cause of marrying vanishes. Also, the marriage may break down again. Think over this matter seriously before marrying.

Whatever experiences you have had till now should have made you feel comfortable with your present life! For you inherently know that there is an inner power within us more stronger than the physical self. Live positive all the time. However bad the time may seem ... don't despair. You realize the truth ... you have nothing to fear. I do know that one sometimes needs support badly.

Vijay Kumar:
Life treats everyone well. We reap what we sow. Nothing more or less. Don't tend to think negative. God is kind to all.

Now, look at me. Life sometimes treats me bad but I keep my control on life. Having realized god ... this is the biggest asset I have in life. I am the master of my destiny.

Before God Realization ... I was the managing director of a US$ 1 million turnover organization. After Realization I left the same to my brother and father. There was no other alternative. The bud within me had bloomed full. There was no turning back. I was meant to serve the community ... which I am doing now.

I never intend to have an Ashram. I do not want to run after money. I never have throughout my life. I intend to help the community through my Website and discourses on TV. Life is really challenging. I shall face it head-on.

One should never weep ... it makes us weak!!

Always there to clarify your queries (send your query),

Essay by: Vijay Kumar "Atma Jnani" ... The Man who Realized God in 1993!

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